The Meaning of Fear

Fear, as defined by Dictionary.com, is “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid”.

In small amounts, fear keeps us alive. Keeps us from being eaten by the tiger outside our ancestral caves, keeps us close to the fires that serve as protection from the wild animals. In large amounts, fear paralyzes.

In our everyday world, most people don’t have the problem of dangerous animals running up and down the grocery store isles. The most physical danger we face is from other people. Or as one writer put it, “The Most Dangerous Game”. Richard Connell wrote the story and from what I recall it involved one man hunting another man for sport. Most dangerous game indeed. A prey who can think and strategize and possibly defeat the predator.

In our day and age, we still face the most dangerous of predators--human beings. Whether the game takes place in Iaq, Afghanistan, the Middle East, Africa, South America--anywhere on the planet. Any city, town, village, hamlet, shoot.. even two people living two miles from each other in the middle of nowhere can be a danger to each other.

I believe, under the “right” circumstances, anyone can become a killer. If you are threatened by a thug, or someone who supposedly cares for you, with a knife or a gun suddenly everything is on the table.

I would not stand by and let someone kill me or attack me. As far as I am concerned, anyone who threatens me either verbally or physically is someone who needs to be dealt with. Verbal threats can escalate to physical threats. But being a reasonable human being, I have to decide if the person threatening me is a true threat to my health and/or life.

Like a lot of people, and probably women in particular, I have the “deer caught in the headlights” syndrome. Something threatens me, and I freeze. Unable to move, unable to react. Literally rooted to the ground. And I wonder if this has anything to do with lack of training. I mean, if you’ve never been attacked, how will you know what you will do?

I’ve heard that if you take self-defense courses and practice the moves, that in a real emergency you will automatically be able to defend yourself. Without any or little paralysis.

So, fear can motivate you to do good things for yourself, like taking a self-defense course, or losing weight and getting in shape, or not taking that shortcut through a dark alley at midnight. But fear can immobilize you and leave you vulnerable to emotional/verbal/physical attacks.

Examine your fears, ask if any of your fears can help you to do something positive. Are your fears justifiable or do you tend to exaggerate negative feelings? Through what lens do you view the world? If your lens is skewed, then get help to see things more realistically. For realistic fears, think about what you would do if threatened--think of all avenues open to you to deal with different threats. Go take that self-defense course. Do something to alleviate your fears. You need to have options. In any situation. Give yourself OPTIONS.

I think Winston Churchill said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” And it’s true--arm yourself with knowledge and tactics to effectively manage your fears. I don’t think it’s possible to totally eliminate your fears but you can use them to your advantage.

Plant your Feet on the Cement Everyday

I think, like a number of writers, I tend to live in my head when I’m not in my favorite coffee shop studying people, their gestures and habits. And occasionally overhearing their conversations. (Honestly, I don’t do the last on purpose. Really.) And living in my head, for me, seems to consist of hiding out in my home. I justify this by saying, “I have to do some more networking/writing/plotting/come up with new story ideas/clean the office, kitchen, bathrooms’, whatever ad nauseam.

But someone I know brought up a very good point: I have to plant my feet outside my home on the cement sidewalk / grass lawn on a daily basis and let the world touch me. Let the world into my head so that I don’t rattle around in there all by myself.

Don’t get me wrong--I’m not a hermit. I speak to my family. I go out with friends regularly, I go to my writers meetings, I interact with people on a daily basis (even if it is the barista at Starbucks or the concierge in my building) and I take time to enjoy myself.

I recently started toting my camera with me whenever I go out. In the city, sometimes we have smog alerts and while this is a bad thing for people and the environment, it makes for great photographs with misty, moody shots. And it connects me to my community.

So even if one is on their own, one is not really alone unless one doesn’t make an effort to reach out. I am surrounded by people. I am involved with my community, my family, my friends and the people in the coffee shop (even if they don’t know it ;)).

So go out, plant your feet on the cement and meet yourself and your world.

What does "no" mean?

There isn’t a person on this planet, who at some point (or in my case, many points) hasn’t been told “No”. No, you can’t stay up late.No, you can’t have that toy. No, you are smart enough. No you’re not good enough. No, you’re not sexy enough. No, you are not worth IT.

And the surprising thing? Most of those “nos” are said to us by those people who claim to care for us. They claim they want to protect us from something. And they may be telling you the truth--at least as far as they are able to do so.

The word ‘no’ in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. No, you can’t jump off that building. No, you can’t kill another person. The laws of your country are generally for your protection if you live in a democracy. Laws make it possible to live together in society without the society dissolving into chaos and anarchy. If you don’t live in a democracy, that’s a whole other discussion.

As children growing up, hopefully our parents were at least cognizant of the fact that children need a certain amount of freedom, mixed in with a certain amount of control, in order to become full-fledged human beings. But people are not perfect, parenting is never perfect and things happen even with the best of intentions.

As adults, we need to recognize the reasoning behind the ‘no’ responses we receive. Is the authority figure (the one saying no) able to evaluate the situation logically and rationally? Does the authority figure have an agenda of which you are unaware? Does the authority figure have a self-esteem problem and says no to get a rush of self-worth because they can (or want to) control you? Is this figure a bully, either physically, mentally or emotionally? Is this person a threat to you in some way? Does this person just not care about you or is this person a stranger to you?

If you are a reasonable, sane person who is not a sociopath, it is more important to evaluate the ‘no’ in terms of what you are trying to accomplish. ‘No’ may mean I don’t agree with your reasoning and why don’t you try another tact.

For me, ‘no’ is an invitation to explore and evaluate my requirements, methods, needs, wants and desires. Just because someone tells me ‘no’ does not mean that I cannot move forward. It may mean having to side-step around an obstacle. Whether or not that obstacle means changing me is not important, as long as I know what the problem is. If I know what the problem is and I want to fix it, then I can fix it. Or if I’m not able to fix it, then I’ll find someone who can fix it.

Too many people give their power away to others without a fight. Without a thought. “Oh he said it so it must be true.” “I am really too stupid to know any better, so someone else should make the decision.”

Bottom line? Take responsibility for yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts and intuitions. You may let yourself down, but at least you know to whom to attribute the success or failure of your venture.

“No”, in most cases, is an opinion, not a decree.

Do you ever wonder...

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you could just walk away from everything without consequences to the people who love or depend upon you? Just walk away from your job, your memories, your obligations, your family, your friends. Just leave. What kind of person would be created.

People identify themselves by what they do for a living. I am an engineer. I am a nurse. I am a doctor. I am a...writer. People identify themselves in relation to other people. I am a wife, a husband, a daughter, a son, a boss, a worker-bee.

I think that people want the security that comes with knowing their place in their lives, in other’s lives and in society. But what is left if you take all those things away? What is left of the person you think you are? Who are you?

What if you identified yourself by how you feel, by what or who you love, by what or who you hate? Is that an evolutionary step back? I suppose Darwin would say that survival of the fittest has governed the development of our social structures and ourselves. But what if you think that none of the structures seem to fit you? What if everything you have is taken from you in a huge upheaval, whether by forces emotional, physical or spiritual? Who are YOU? Not the facade we each present to the world, but what makes up the essence of you.

I can say that I love to play piano. I can say that I hate green beans. I can say that I love being drenched by a sudden splash of soft summer rain. I can say that I love cloud watching, watching the sparkling night sky, watching a lunar eclipse. I can say a lot about ME without referring to what I do for a living or the people who populate my life.

I think it’s important to know who you are before you can find your place in the rest of your life or in other’s lives.

Just a thought.

First Edit Done!

I finished the initial set of edits from my editor/publishing company! Yay! There might be more, but it's a learning process and I'm just glad I've jumped into the deep end to swim. I also received a copy of the cover art for the book and I LOVE IT! Wow.

Everything is going so well and I am so grateful about everything that's happening in my life. I can't say everything is perfect, I don't think perfect is possible or desirable, but things are moving in the right direction for the first time in a very long time. And I am determined that it will keep going that way!

I Feel Good!

Those James Brown lyrics for his song of the same name are singing through my head and how true they are: "Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now". Well, I have to say I DO feel good. And I knew that I would. Eventually. And apparently, eventually has arrived.

And while the rest of the lyrics have to do with holding someone in my arms, I think I can do just fine for now with holding someone (my newest male protagonist) in my head. After all, sex is all in the brain.

Another reason to feel good? I received the initial edits for my first book from my editor, so I am happily working away on that.

A third reason to feel good? My whole extended family (two parents, two sisters, one brother-in-law, one brother-in-law-to-be, two nieces and one nephew) also are doing well and living their lives to the fullest.

A fourth reason to feel good? It's a bright sunny day here on Lake Ontario even if it is a little cool, but at least it's not snow. Yaay!

A fifth reason to feel good? I'm alive and getting healthier every day.

It's true that to have a happy life, one has to be grateful for the things that are going right in one's life and environment.

And right now, I feel good! Whoa-oa-oa! (Imagine me doing a James Brown dance)

Letting Go

I've been thinking a lot lately on the subject of 'letting go' People tell you to let go of the things that you obsess about, like chewing on an old bone and regurgitating it to re-chew it whenever you feel down (sorry for the image). I realized that I didn't even know what 'letting go' meant. Does it mean to forgive and forget and waltz down the primrose path without a thought in your mind? Open to betrayals and emotional scarring? I couldn't see doing that. Does it involve forgiveness? Because I sure as heck am not always in a forgiving place. The best answer that I was given was: Letting go involves separating the hurtful event from the emotions that occurred as a result of the event. Things that happened in the past, need to be learned from, and then left in the past where they can no longer hurt you.

Easy, right? Nuh-uh, that's a tall order. A humungous order. It does involve forgiveness, however, but the forgiveness is for the person who was hurt by the event. Forgiveness for being all too human and fragile. Forgiveness for staying in a situation where one should have left long ago. Forgiveness for the forgiver. A novel concept, at least for me.

If one is to separate the hurtful event from the emotion, then you have to look at the event objectively. And that means doing away with blaming yourself and whoever else was involved. Quite honestly, being resentful takes a lot of energy. A lot of energy wasted on being angry at yourself, angry at someone else, depressed, grumpy, a victim (poor me syndrome), maybe even suicidal, but the hurtful event is OVER. You only harm yourself when you keep recycling the past hurt to ruin what could be a great day. Your feeling bad is not hurting the person who hurt you--they might even feel great if you feel miserable. But they'll never know unless you tell them. Is that how I want to spend my life? Miserable? NO.

So, I pledge to myself now, that I will try to forgive myself for my failings and I will try to keep past hurts where they belong- -in the past. Geez, I hope this gets easier.